"But I feel the loss of my previous naughtiness" I honestly could have written this it exactly sums up how this 40 something old feels after a bit of a light bulb moment visiting A&E suddenly this week and getting a bit of a scare (I'm ok) I'm not the person I was thank fuck as she was a heavy drinker, a smoker,a I'll have a spliff if one's going, drug dealer on speed dial cute little headcase, always broke, always spontaneous and full of regret but man she had a lot of fun. The me of then would be horrified at the me now, I wasn't going to get 'old' I was going to live fast die young - the reality is I've become so sensible I have ISA's and everything urgh but that's OK and I'm coming to terms with this person but I also look fondly back on those mad messy days and the characters in the smoking areas outside the metal amd D&B clubs. I get why you feel that way and I thank you for voicing it.
I would generally encourage anyone to watch any given clip of Orson Welles. The one where he talks about meeting Hitler and finding nothing there. The clip of his radio show where he calls out individual racist cops. The entire documentary F For Fake about an art forger in which he does some close-up magic and which seems to have been edited over a particularly heavy lunch. The man was extraordinary - a person of stature the like of which we either no longer have or no longer elevate.
Bloody hell Ian I absolutely love this. As someone who's written and read a LOT about addiction and substance use over the years, it's always exciting to see a perspective that's less talked about. I do wonder (and with the greatest respect of course) whether there's a bit of confounding between drug use and age going on here. It's ok to grow and change as a person as you age (it would be weird if you were going to sit with the youths in the park and skin up)!
As we age giving stuff up becomes a dreadful necessity. Forced upon you by consideration for others, ourselves and the rule of law.
The awful truth is in the end there’s almost nothing left that gives our lives meaning. Elderly folk like me are walking shells of the person we used to be. Yes I’m alive but that is all. Not an aspiration worth the extra time.
"I wanted to shout at them: 'This isn't really me, you know. I'm one of you really. I hate the joggers too. They're wankers.'"
Brilliantly put.
BUT I quit drinking years ago and it was the best decision I ever made. Now not only do I feel like a nice person, but I am one. And I have so much more creativity (and time to create, when not slurping wine in front of the TV after a day of moribund desk activity).
I quit smoking over 10 years ago and I still have moments where I think a cigarette would really be great now. I’m sure it wouldn’t but the thought of it, with a really nice proper coffee in the sun, or after a few drinks it would just complete things. I’m starting to think that feeling is never completely going away.
Shit Ian - this really resonates. I’m currently on a ‘no alcohol’ binge having been a piss artist my entire adult life. The reason I’m coping at the moment is having broken an association, not my decision as it happens. But it does leave me feeling bereft and rewardless for trying to lead a caring but thankless life, including my career. Self pity is not becoming so need to look for something else to feel good about.
Like the rest of the comments on here, I thought this was a brilliantly written description of addiction. Not just it's chemistry, psychology, biology or pharmacology, but its soul; how it feels, what it promises, how it venerates.
You may no longer think you're with the cool kids sitting in the park, but you've joined an altogether more interesting crew nonetheless
Well done on so many fronts. The vaping, the writing, the stories, the shows with Dorian. Great stuff all of it and helps me meet life on my terms. All the best, John.
Thanks yikes. I hadn’t thought about having a fag for yonks till I read this hooky piece. Lordy, I could feel the itch grow. I had thought I might send it on to a friend who has given up some really terrifying and destructive habits but no, best they don’t have any reminders as precisely limned and detailed as this sensational confessional and analysis. Then again the time may come when longevity is no longer an attractive exchange… Keep It Up Love Your Work xch
Ian, superb article as always, but thank you for signposting the Orson Welles content. I don’t think I realised until just now that he was so young when he scared America into thinking the Martians may have landed. Awesome Welles!
Following the death of his wife, JG Ballard found that the only way he could cope with the grief and the challenge of bringing up their kids alone was to drink a scotch every hour on the hour, starting at noon.
He told Martin Amis that eventually managed to push the time of the first scotch, hour by hour, back to 6pm. Was it hard, Amis asked?
"Hard? It was like the battle of Stalingrad."
I loved this, by the way. But I still want to read the trailed piece on the Supreme Court gender decision.
My partner recently quit vaping and has had a very similar overall journey to/from vaping as yours. This is brilliantly-written and helps me understand his experience better. Thank you - and keep it up!
"But I feel the loss of my previous naughtiness" I honestly could have written this it exactly sums up how this 40 something old feels after a bit of a light bulb moment visiting A&E suddenly this week and getting a bit of a scare (I'm ok) I'm not the person I was thank fuck as she was a heavy drinker, a smoker,a I'll have a spliff if one's going, drug dealer on speed dial cute little headcase, always broke, always spontaneous and full of regret but man she had a lot of fun. The me of then would be horrified at the me now, I wasn't going to get 'old' I was going to live fast die young - the reality is I've become so sensible I have ISA's and everything urgh but that's OK and I'm coming to terms with this person but I also look fondly back on those mad messy days and the characters in the smoking areas outside the metal amd D&B clubs. I get why you feel that way and I thank you for voicing it.
I would generally encourage anyone to watch any given clip of Orson Welles. The one where he talks about meeting Hitler and finding nothing there. The clip of his radio show where he calls out individual racist cops. The entire documentary F For Fake about an art forger in which he does some close-up magic and which seems to have been edited over a particularly heavy lunch. The man was extraordinary - a person of stature the like of which we either no longer have or no longer elevate.
Bloody hell Ian I absolutely love this. As someone who's written and read a LOT about addiction and substance use over the years, it's always exciting to see a perspective that's less talked about. I do wonder (and with the greatest respect of course) whether there's a bit of confounding between drug use and age going on here. It's ok to grow and change as a person as you age (it would be weird if you were going to sit with the youths in the park and skin up)!
Hah yes. As bad as my internal monologue was, it was less bad than actually getting stoned with people who are basically children.
As we age giving stuff up becomes a dreadful necessity. Forced upon you by consideration for others, ourselves and the rule of law.
The awful truth is in the end there’s almost nothing left that gives our lives meaning. Elderly folk like me are walking shells of the person we used to be. Yes I’m alive but that is all. Not an aspiration worth the extra time.
"I wanted to shout at them: 'This isn't really me, you know. I'm one of you really. I hate the joggers too. They're wankers.'"
Brilliantly put.
BUT I quit drinking years ago and it was the best decision I ever made. Now not only do I feel like a nice person, but I am one. And I have so much more creativity (and time to create, when not slurping wine in front of the TV after a day of moribund desk activity).
“Piss on carpet.” Good man/human. Tuna fish foxtrot.
I quit smoking over 10 years ago and I still have moments where I think a cigarette would really be great now. I’m sure it wouldn’t but the thought of it, with a really nice proper coffee in the sun, or after a few drinks it would just complete things. I’m starting to think that feeling is never completely going away.
I agree. If it hasn't gone now, it never will. We're stuck with it.
I agree, l quit smoking nearly 20 years ago and I still miss it! 👱♀️🚬
After ten years? It would be better than really great…
Honestly I think it would make me sick, like that first teenage cigarette again. It’s a brain problem, like so many things
Shit Ian - this really resonates. I’m currently on a ‘no alcohol’ binge having been a piss artist my entire adult life. The reason I’m coping at the moment is having broken an association, not my decision as it happens. But it does leave me feeling bereft and rewardless for trying to lead a caring but thankless life, including my career. Self pity is not becoming so need to look for something else to feel good about.
Good luck man
Yes kuchisabishii - which may well lead to Kummerspeck and snaccident.
Didn't have you down for jogging - to get the elusive endorphin hit?
Great writing BTW, glad to see that the absence of drugs hasn't dimmed your flame.
Like the rest of the comments on here, I thought this was a brilliantly written description of addiction. Not just it's chemistry, psychology, biology or pharmacology, but its soul; how it feels, what it promises, how it venerates.
You may no longer think you're with the cool kids sitting in the park, but you've joined an altogether more interesting crew nonetheless
Well done on so many fronts. The vaping, the writing, the stories, the shows with Dorian. Great stuff all of it and helps me meet life on my terms. All the best, John.
Thanks yikes. I hadn’t thought about having a fag for yonks till I read this hooky piece. Lordy, I could feel the itch grow. I had thought I might send it on to a friend who has given up some really terrifying and destructive habits but no, best they don’t have any reminders as precisely limned and detailed as this sensational confessional and analysis. Then again the time may come when longevity is no longer an attractive exchange… Keep It Up Love Your Work xch
Ian, superb article as always, but thank you for signposting the Orson Welles content. I don’t think I realised until just now that he was so young when he scared America into thinking the Martians may have landed. Awesome Welles!
Damn, every word of this is true. Nailed it, nailed it, nailed it again. I still miss cigarettes and it's been nearly *20 years*.
Following the death of his wife, JG Ballard found that the only way he could cope with the grief and the challenge of bringing up their kids alone was to drink a scotch every hour on the hour, starting at noon.
He told Martin Amis that eventually managed to push the time of the first scotch, hour by hour, back to 6pm. Was it hard, Amis asked?
"Hard? It was like the battle of Stalingrad."
I loved this, by the way. But I still want to read the trailed piece on the Supreme Court gender decision.
It's coming.
My partner recently quit vaping and has had a very similar overall journey to/from vaping as yours. This is brilliantly-written and helps me understand his experience better. Thank you - and keep it up!